The Weight of Surrender - 3min read

It had been a long and paranoid drive. My mind was juggling three different pinball games and the only thing that was certain was that my future was completely uncertain. 

It had been a long 13yrs of drug and alcohol addiction, anger, suicidal thinking, and a lonely dark depression. I just wanted it to be over. I was out of options, out of people to beg from, and out of energy to keep chasing the dark dream of addiction. 

There I was driving back home to my parents house at the age of twenty six with nothing but a long list of overwhelming problems. I had been drinking myself to death in the small town of nowhereville USA. I had no license, no insurance, no registration, and a handful of warrants out for my arrest. Needless to say, the two and a half hour drive stirred a thick and intensely unhealthy anxiety. 

I was recalling the unwanted and humbling phone call I made to my parents asking for help to try and get into a rehab. They reluctantly agreed and I faced my mess with the first step of driving to their house. 

The uncomfortable arrival, yet safe haven, was near as I pulled off the freeway toward their place. I had spent many years driving the back roads avoiding police in their city, so I figured it’d be a safe bet for the last five minutes of driving.

As I turned my Infiniti G20 down a back road it just so happens that a cop turned right behind me. 

Fear gripped me and a shot of adrenaline coursed through my veins. I thought I’d nonchalantly speed up and try and make a turn, hoping the police officer wouldn’t see my expired tags. He noticed my unusual acceleration and those daunting blue and red flashing lights lite up behind me for the last time. 

I knew it was over. 

I pulled over on the quiet back street and instantly started chain smoking cigarettes, I knew inwardly I was going to jail and there’s no smoking in that cement cage. But it was as if time immediately reached a slow crawl and I knew it was best for me to surrender. 

I had had enough, I was done. As the officer approached the window I was already waving the white flag. Before he could ask for my license, registration, and insurance (I knew the drill all to well) I had my mind made up. He came to window and I handed him my license and said, “Here you go. I have no license, registration, or insurance and I have a handful of warrants.” 

He looked at me and said, “Ok, just wait here and sit tight.” As another squad car pulled on the scene it was as if time stood still. My mind entered a moment of clarity. 

I thought to myself, “I’m heading to my parents to get help, I’m completely defeated, I’m beyond tired, and I’m out of options...God, help me.” The length of my prayer didn’t rouse God’s heart, nor did the eloquence of it. It was the posture of my heart that moved God’s heart. I was honest, and I was sincere. I couldn’t do it anymore, I surrendered. 

——————

Almost 10yrs into this glorious freedom I can look back now and see that that moment caused a tectonic shift in my spiritual reality. Within days God began doing for me what I could not do for myself and He wiped my legal slate clean. Grace launched me into the life I dreamed of, but couldn’t grasp.

Giving up control, gave me control. Grace runs the show now. The same life awaits you.

Contact Erik


C64277B6-330B-4E4A-86D5-EA392BD99A6C.jpeg